Reviewing The Witcher 3’s Alcohol Like a Craft Beer Wanker

There’s loads of alcohol in The Witcher 3. Some of it is industrial strength and, unfortunately, undrinkable. “It’s like paint stripper,” I imagine Geralt saying. Yeah but you’re drinking fluid from an ekkimara’s eyeball, Geralt. There are worse things in life than paint stripper. Down this weird mandrake shit right now or I’m switching off the PlayStation. 

I’m joking. You’ve actually got a pretty healthy selection of bevvies to choose from in terms of ingestible booze. Some of these lovely pints are like the Olympian ambrosia Zeus and his posse drank to attain immortality, the literal nectar of the gods. At the same time, there exists an entire range of wine that tastes like boiled piss. So I took one for the team and set out to do God’s work: I reviewed every ingestible alcoholic beverage in The Witcher 3, and I did it as if I was the sort of wanker who talks about floral tones in craft beer. Loads of nit pickiness here, with a healthy dose of outlandishly unjustified claims that make no sense. Buckle up, we’re going on a tasting tour.

Beauclair White

Fancy, smelly, ugly wine. I could tell you that it tastes like fresh grapes, organically grown and crushed into an exquisite glass bottle to preserve their natural fragrance. But I would be lying. Beauclair white tastes like pterodactyl urine. Imagine drinking pure vinegar laced with rat poison and bleach. Awful. 

Butcher of Blaviken/Geralt of Rivia/White Wolf 

More wine, but this one’s different. These are the three names Geralt can give his own wine. It’s a Toussaintian vintage in the making, a real people pleaser. This stuff is based on the taste of nekker heads and leshen antlers, the scent of a molting griffin after it’s had a bath in sheep piss. It’s a witcher’s best friend, a divine concoction brewed with the sole purpose of being the only perfect thing to have ever existed. Except I’m lying. It’s still wine, aka tarantula venom spiced with rhinoceros sweat. Geralt fights monsters, he doesn’t make wine. He’s rubbish at it. Honestly, 0/10. A1 for effort. 

Chateau d’Adam Chevalier Pinot Blanc 

Pinot blanc. Poison fit for a kikimore nest. It’s mostly wine in The Witcher 3, isn’t it? Arsenic is just diluted wine. One whiff of this rubbish could kill a full-grown chort. I don’t know how to spell the noise I’m making with my mouth at the moment, but it would probably be something like, “bleuhguhue.”

Chateau de Conrad Cabernet/Erveluce/Est Est/Fiorano wine/all the other shit

Just doing all the rest of the wine in one go because it all tastes like demon saliva. Honestly, imagine drinking wine. On purpose. Wtf.   

Kaedweni stout

Now here’s a drink. Witcher Guinness. The dog’s bollocks. A perfect distillate brewed with love and tenderness, and loads and loads of mayhem in mind. This drink exists solely to make people throw pints and flip tables. Geralt has 15 of these and then goes to the pub and says, “look at me, I’m well Aard.” Honestly, this stuff makes you hilarious. It also makes your biceps burst through your armor and you grow a full beard in 20 seconds. Next you’re doing cartwheels and backflips and shooting massive fireballs out of your fingers. You can run 50 marathons in a row, take on a rhino in a fistfight, do karaoke and absolutely nail it, etc. Every other drink is idiot juice. This stuff is for legends. 

Mettina Rosé

Imagine even considering drinking this shit after the Kaedweni Stout review I just wrote.

Homemade Pepper Vodka

Pepper is alright but vodka is a bit rotten. Not as bad as wine, admittedly. Most bars in The Witcher 3 have apple juice, so at least you can mix it with that. Vodka’s good because it’s portable, so in that case it has a slight advantage over pints. But pints are better and who cares about portability or versatility or usefulness or whatever. Just skull a load of pints. And if you have to bang on about “aromas” or “scents” or “hops,” just don’t get upset when it’s very obvious nobody is listening to you. We drink real juice here. We drink Kaedweni stout. 

Redanian Lager

Good. Cheap and cheerful. Doesn’t taste like a whole lot, if I’m honest, but it does the job. Kaedweni stout is obviously substantially better, but I wouldn’t say no to one of these bad boys. No way. Not me. Pour me another one. Axii. There’s a good lad.  

Rivian Kriek

I’m still trying to figure out what kriek is. The first time I drank this I thought it was creek water. But it’s not. It’s a sort of ale, or something like that. It’s alright. Probably the second best alcoholic beverage in The Witcher 3. Blows the absolute head off you. Efficient. Tasty. Cheap. Class. 

Saint Mathieu Rouge/Sansretour Chardonnay/Sansretour Pinot Noir

Yuck. Rotten. Horrible. I would rather drink liquidy skunk farts. 

Victor Monnart’s Cognac 

Too fancy for my blood, but if you’re into it, give it a go. Knock one back there. Hold on, sit down, where are you going, you haven’t paid for tha-

Viziman Champion

If you want to fight like a champion, you have to drink like a champion. This stuff’s a bit too Bud Lighty for me, sort of sicky yellow weird juice. Probably take you about 74 pints to feel a buzz, so it’s not very cost-efficient. A Mahakaman dwarf once told me they give this stuff to baby squirrels to help them sleep. It’s a bit rubbish, really, but it’s not quite wine. If you’re trying to get a bit pissed, this stuff is best left to the kids. Get yourself a stout. Go on. You deserve it.

There you go. Witcher 3 beer reviews. This was totally unbiased. I am not a Guinness shill. I drank some beers and reviewed them honestly and fairly. I left out cider on purpose because it’s industrial airplane diesel and I can’t even bear to picture it in my brain. Honestly. Drink Kaedweni stout. Drink Guinness. And then say, “thanks Cian for writing this really important and comprehensive review of every alcoholic beverage in The Witcher 3.” You’re welcome. You’re more than welcome. Have a nice time in the pub. Get a stout. I’ll know if you don’t.