Is Your Favorite Bioshock Character Sexy?

Oh? Writing a Bioshock listicle about some of your favorite characters? Judging your taste, possibly roasting you for thinking they’re so hot? After being sleep deprived for three days? That’s a good idea.

Let’s see which of these Bioshock characters (if any) are sexy, or even worth a single hand-hold. To be professional, I will give them all scores that I think are fair, on a scale of 0 to 10.

Booker Dewitt

Nathan Drake from Uncharted, Joel Miller from The Last of Us, Booker Dewitt from Bioshock: Infinite. These men for years are the reason for fights breaking out between me and my white girl friends. Even though I, powerful in my body with an exclusive diet of Red Bull (please sponsor me) and Taco Bell potato tacos, cannot be convinced that these men are hot in my head. Could it be because all the men who look like this growing up in my state were also cops? Could it be because every EDM/House DJ in Los Angeles trying to hit you up to “come to the studio” at 2AM, looks like this? Could it be that this specific man’s look and vibe is the same as every other guy that goes to a foreign country just to try and sink their teeth into the women there? Maybe.

Honestly, my phase of loving grizzled men on the edge of bronchitis is something that ended in my teens. Seeing that this sort of look is based on eurocentric features and what society tells me is hot, I disrespectfully had to decline such a sight. I’m tired, stop telling me the man is hot, you can do better than this, do not let me down.

Booker Dewitt gets a No out of 10.

Sophia Lamb

When Bioshock 2 first came out, and didn’t really understand what Sophia was up to. I thought she was one for the people, wanting to help out and make Rapture a better place. Tough women with high cheekbones are, in fact, fucking cool, however using your power and upper hand in manipulating vulnerable folks to trying to make the space you’re in YOUR space, and not EVERYONE’S is not very gnarly. 

Sophia was probably one of the coolest villains I came across when first playing Bioshock 2. She confused me, made me think, even had me going on her side of things. With her story that kinda, for me, has some white feminism vibes, being able to tell Andrew Ryan that he sucks gets points for me.

Sophia Lamb gets a 5 out of 10.

Rosalind Lutece

Her brother is ugly so we’re gonna forget he exists for a second, but she has a coin obsession and she wears the dorkiest outfit.

Rosalind Lutece gets an 8 out of 10.

Elizabeth

Bioshock Infinite’s Elizabeth I don’t think I could have enjoyed as much as I should have due to my teenage self dealing with some internalized misogyny, and thinking she was just the most annoying character. I realize now she is actually pretty cool. 

Breaking out of the mold of her life, doing what she wants to change her way of life, that’s pretty sick. While her writing and execution, along with Infinite’s really eye roll ending, isn’t really her fault, at the end of the day she’s still pretty much a one dimensional character, which kinda sucks since she can cross dimensions.

Elizabeth gets a 6 out of 10.

Elizabeth in Burial at Sea

Absolutely not, she gives me rockabilly vibes, no.

Elizabeth in Burial at Sea gets a 2 out of 10.

Big Daddy

Big Daddy? Is he big? Is he a zaddy? I do not think so. Bioshock did a great job in making him terrifying by immersing you in the Big Daddy’s eerie aura. However, just as with returning anything in horror media we saw when we were younger, looking at him now is pretty hilarious.

Looking at a glowy iron Kirby, running around like a menace, with a name that has DADDY in it, the man needs a real job and to leave me and the little sisters alone.

Big Daddy gets a 5 out of 10.

Songbird

YES! LOVE YOU. NEED YOU. MISS YOU VERY MUCH. The character design, the passion, the need to protect, just *chef’s kiss*. Songbird is the real Big Daddy in my heart.

Songbird would be the perfect boyfriend. He flies, which means he can take you to work, TRAFFIC FREE. He will beat up anyone that tells you no. Will love you and protect with his life. He is super handsome. You can take him back home to meet the parents and truly will blow them away. He will tell the waitress that you did not want pickles when your order is wrong and you’re too shy to say anything.

I love him. The only valid character.

Songbird gets a 10 out of 10.