What Your Poke’fessor Crush Says About You

Hi there, Uppercuties! Yes, that’s what we’re calling you now- Uppercuties. I must admit, I have no idea how Caitlin feels about this development, but I’ve found that as long as I act with a zeal that is equal parts enthusiastic and misplaced, they let me get away with most things.

Anyways, it is my absolute pleasure to welcome you to my column, Heart Container! Heart Container is my shiny new space on Uppercut dedicated to all my various musings on sex, love, relationships, and how they play into our games. Sometimes, this column will be light and silly, other times, not so much. Either way, it is my hope that your heart feels just a bit more full after reading.

For Pokémon week, I wanted to do a light-hearted little article on one of my absolute favorite things: crushes! We all have ‘em. As for myself, I have about three new ones each day. I am also notorious for crushing on teachers, because of course I am. So, in the spirit of that can of worms, I’m inviting you to join me in selecting your very own scholarly sweetheart so we delve into your psyche and analyze what your Poke’boo says about you. Ready? Let’s go.

Now, in the wonderful world of Pokémon, there are eight professors (sorry, Pokémon Go fans, our man Willow won’t be making an appearance today) ripe for crushin’. Perhaps you’ve already had your eye on one, or perhaps you’re a bit new here and are in the market for some highly educated eye candy.

Professor Oak

I think you’re feeling just about ready to settle down, reader! Or, at the very least, you’re tired of partners who keep you guessing. Professor Samuel Oak is a great deal like the tree he is named after; he is strong, dependable, gentle, and deeply rooted. Yes, our man Sam is a safe bet when it comes to deciding who you wish to spend the rest of your life with. I think you’re someone who greatly values kindness, humor, and those who live life with a sort of soft enthusiasm that betters all those who come in contact with it. You are thoughtful and more focused on what you need than what you want, and I admire that self-awareness and maturity.

Dream Date: A trip to the science center where he keeps finding himself accidentally explaining things to all the curious kiddos around you, followed by ice cream in the park 

 

Likes: Educational trips, reading wikipedia articles, and terrible jokes

 

Dislikes: Aggressiveness, feeling unkempt, and taking things too seriously 

Professor Elm

Lean, lanky, and eccentric, Professor Elm is the perfect man for anyone who still can’t get over David Tennant leaving Doctor Who. Scattered papers, glasses askew- this man is all over the place and so are the butterflies in your stomach. You crave spontaneity and passion, dear reader. You want someone who can keep up with your mind and introduces a bit of chaos to the mix. It’s also worth mentioning that you miiiight have a tendency to want to fix people and feel needed, but don’t worry, that can be our little secret. 

 

Dream Date: An escape room! He’ll enjoy the challenge, the kitsch, and the chance for the two of you to show off your brains and teamwork in front of others.

 

Likes: Puzzles, meeting new people, and being the smartest person in the room

 

Dislikes: Boredom, strict rules, and unoriginality

Professor Birch

Oh reader, you big softie, you. You crave stability and warmth in a partner- someone who, quite simply, feels like home. At your core, you are someone who finds joy in life’s small pleasures and strives for genuine contentment rather than power or perceived success, even if you do get a bit caught up in it all from time to time. You need a partner who is even-tempered, sensual, and patient- someone who reminds you to take time for yourself every now and then and simply breathe. While others may resent monotony, routines aren’t something that particularly bother you, especially if it involves peaceful, cozy days and nights with your love.

 

Dream date: A short hike to his favorite spot “he just had to show you”- followed by a lavish picnic in a grassy meadow

 

Likes: Comfort food, cuddling, and camping trips

 

Dislikes: Being rushed, uncomfortable clothing, and complainers

Professor Rowan

Reader, take it from a girl with daddy issues: you’ve got daddy issues. You seek approval and find a macabre joy in extracting it from those who are exceptionally withholding. You long for a partner who makes you feel exceptional- like you’re the sole person who can crack their cold exterior to reveal the rich, chocolatey center you so desperately wish to devour. While in a relationship, it is vital to you that your partner cherishes your intellect, ambition, and perhaps slightly morbid nature. Impressive, intense, and mysterious, Professor Rowan offers you a challenge you simply cannot resist. 

 

Dream date: An evening of witty banter and mischievous eye contact over a glass of merlot

 

Likes: Mystery novels, the occult, and their privacy

 

Dislikes: Flattery, buying off brand, and fluorescent lighting 

Professor Juniper

Oh reader, you want a girl with the right allocations- who’s fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack. I dare to say you might even want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooong jacket. Cake lyrics aside, if you’ve selected Professor Juniper as the woman you wish to woo, I think you crave someone who knows exactly what they want and isn’t afraid to ask for it- demand it, if the situation calls for it. Juniper is kind, sweet, and considerate, but will absolutely not tolerate your bullshit- and that’s pretty hot, no? I think you yourself might be a bit more on the timid side, reader, and a woman like Juniper excites and inspires you. Juniper is a reminder to work hard, look good, and know your worth and add the tax.

 

Dream date: An intimate and expensive dinner at the place she’s been dying to try out- followed by a walk to a nearby gin joint.

 

Likes: Good hair days, high thread count sheets, and topping.

 

Dislikes: Rude people, fast food, and incompetence.

Professor Sycamore

That messy raven hair, those well worn loafers, that slightly unbuttoned shirt… This bitch is a former pop punk kid and we all want to be a notch in his bedpost AND a line in his song. You long for romance, sensitivity, and intimacy, dear reader. I think you might be carrying around a bit of baggage and, quite naturally, want someone who can relate and might even be able to help ease your burden. However, a word of warning with this affair- as beautiful as the throes of passionate, poetic romance can be, it is vital that you don’t lose yourselves in one another. You each might have a tendency towards dependency that could fan this flame into a forest fire, and while you might be able to turn that pain into art, it sure isn’t fun to live through it. 

 

Dream date: An open mic night at his favorite cafe followed by a late night walk down winding city streets talking about nothing and everything.

 

Likes: Chai, clever cultural references, and being alone.  

 

Dislikes: Bad aesthetics, people who say books are boring, and being alone.

Professor Kukui 

You sure like to like what you see, don’t you? But honestly, it’s not just looks with Professor Kukui- in him you find a partner who is warm, joyous, and adventurous. He also deeply cares about himself and the environment, and it’s important to him his partner does too. You want someone who values hard work, self improvement, and navigating life with an easy, breezy attitude. This former professional wrestler is all about pursuing his passions and getting a bit sweaty, and that certainly bodes well for your bedroom activities as well. I believe you are someone who is passionate, happy, confident, and knows life doesn’t need to be dramatic to be fast-paced and fulfilling. 

 

Dream date: A long day spent at the beach- so he can show off his body and admire yours. After catching some waves, he’ll take you to the bonfire party his friends are throwing where he excitedly introduces you to everyone despite it being a bit too soon for that.

 

Likes: Working hard, playing hard, and being hard. Bodied. Being hard bodied.

 

Dislikes: Slow walkers, poor work ethics, and litterbugs. 

Professor Magnolia

You aren’t about bullshit and I like that about you, reader. You’re not one for pretending to be someone you’re not, and want a partner who is older, experienced, and equally as confident in themselves- enter Professor Magnolia. Magnolia knows who she is and will never apologize for her intelligence, sass, or caring. You love her fierce independence and are probably quite independent yourself, though I suppose there is the potential I have you all wrong and you’re actually seeking someone to mother you- something Magnolia will absolutely not do. Early bedtimes, tea, and shaking your head at the news await you if you choose to pursue the Galar region’s finest granny.

 

Dream date: Something fairly traditional- a nice dinner followed by the latest biopic she read about online. While this might not seem exceptionally exciting, sharing stories and people watching together makes the night something special.

 

Likes: Traditional English breakfasts, giving book recommendations, and dry humor. 

 

Dislikes: Loud people, loud places, and loud music.

Professor Sonia

Oh, Sonia. Sonia is the girl-next-door- quite literally for Galar champ Leon, as well as in our hearts. Approachable, cute, and cheery yet driven and real, Sonia is a wonderful example of someone who is truly multi-faceted. She is the friend you slowly fell in love with and now cannot imagine your life without. Choosing Sonia is choosing to go at life with a best friend and equal, something incredibly important to you. I think you are someone who is loyal, loving, well-rounded, and even tempered, and you seek out those traits in a partner as well. With Sonia, your life will be filled with encouragement, teamwork, and sunshine. 

 

Dream date: A sporting event where she was shows up in the absolute cutest sporty look ready to cheer on your team. She enthusiastically orders you both the biggest hot dogs and drinks she can find and absolutely refuses to let you pay her back, but kisses you on the cheek for offering. 

 

Likes: Cute things, eating, and laying on trampolines.

 

Dislikes: Fair-weather friends, sleep deprivation, and being underestimated.